Complete Intimacy Model

Foundation Built on a Relationship with Jesus- This is by far the most important piece of obtaining complete intimacy in your marriage. Without this foundation, everything else that is built is built on shaky ground. If the marriage is not founded on both spouses having a relationship with Jesus as LORD and Savior of their lives, it will be easy to have power struggles, quit when times get hard, and to misconceive the true meaning of the attributes God calls the husband and wife to both show in a marriage. The way God designed earthly marriage a man and a woman come together as one flesh with God holding them together in His love and grace. (Ephesians 5:21; 1 Corinthians 11:3)

Attraction – This is the doorway into having a completely intimate marriage. This kind of Biblical attraction is not just physical appearance. It means that you constantly pursue your spouse and do things that are attractive to them. For instance, if your spouse loves a clean house, you clean it even when you feel it already looks good because you know that action is attractive to them. You also work to keep your outward being attractive to your spouse. This does not mean just staying in shape, but it means keeping your hygiene up and trying to eat healthy and take care of yourself. If you spouse doesn’t see you taking care of yourself, they will not have faith you can take care of them. When you are outwardly and inwardly attractive to your spouse, they will enjoy being with you even more and everything else becomes easier. (1 Peter 3:3-5, Song of Solomon 4, 7, 8)

Love/Respect - The first column that support a marriage being completely intimate is the one of love and respect. In Scripture, children are told to obey their parents because it is easy for children not to do so (Ephesians 6:1). In the same way, husbands are told to love their wives because it is easy for husbands not to do so. Wives are told to honor their husbands because it is easy for wives not to do so. We are called to do things that might not occur to us. If we were all doing these things naturally, why bring it up?

Women are better at loving than men are. Men do well at respecting. C.S. Lewis once observed that women think of love as taking trouble for others — which is much closer to a scriptural agape love than what men naturally do. Men tend to think of love as not giving trouble to others. So, men must be called to sacrifice for their wives, to take trouble for them, as Christ gave himself for the church. Women must be urged to respect their husbands. A woman can naturally love a man she does not honor or respect very much, and this is something that Paul would identify as a trouble. (Desiring God)

Biblically, men are instructed to love their wives and wives are instructed in return to respect their husbands. They way God formed man was to give him a desire to lead and provide for his family and those in his care. Men desire to be respected when they make decisions and put forth effort into providing for those around them. They want to know that their wife trusts their leadership and ability to lead and provide. Likewise, women desire to be shown love and affection for all they equally contribute to the marriage. God formed women with a desire to care for and nurture others. They are typically strong in showing emotion and empathy to others. In this, they want to know that they are appreciated and loved by those they are constantly pouring into. Husbands need to not only tell them how much they love them but show it in their actions by making them a priority in their daily lives and showing their strong commitment to them alone. This concept of love and respect is rooted all throughout Scripture and could be considered the primary pillar that leads to complete intimacy in marriage for both the husband and wife. (Ephesians 5:33 1 Peter 3:1)

Honor/Cherish/Adore – For the husband to honor and cherish his wife is to constantly strive to see the best in her and to understand her value and worth. He knows that he is only the man he is today because of what she contributes to the marriage. His wife and him are one and nothing is done without consciously thinking of her and desiring the best for her. Solomon tells us that a man’s greatest treasure is his wife. (Proverbs 18:22) Honor isn’t based on behavior or subject to emotion. You grant your spouse value whether they want it or deserve it. Honor is a decision you make and a gift you give. This is exactly what the apostle Paul encouraged the early Christians to do when he wrote, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10). (Focus on the Family) 

Honoring and cherishing your wife is also making sure she knows you only want her in a physically intimate way and you believe she is the most attractive woman in the world. Likewise, the wife is called to adore her husband. This is similar to respect, but on a more romantic level. This kind of adoration is one in which the wife shows her husband how grateful she is that she married him, how she appreciates his leadership, and how much she cares for him. Words of affirmation and physical acts of adoration are important to a man. Husbands want to know that their wives look to them to be the protector and leader of the family. They want to know their wife feels secure with them. They also tend to need more physical affection. They have a need to know that they are also providing in a physically intimate way for their wife and meeting her needs in that area as well. Adoration from the wife in this regard can play a big part in growing physical intimacy, but also will promote intimacy emotionally and spiritually as the husband and wife connect deeper in this way. (1 Peter 3:7, 1 Peter 3:1-22)

Righteously Lead/Protect/Godly Submission – This is the one that society flips out about. I believe the reason, in part, society makes such a big deal about a husband leading and a wife submitting is because they have a terrible misconception of what those two things mean in the Bible. First off, God is the head of the entire marriage, not the husband. The husband’s first command is to be in submission to God. This means that if the husband is to lead his wife and family how God desires, he will only follow what God is leading him to do. This guidance will never be to hurt his wife or family, be deeming over them, belittle them, or be harsh with them. In fact, he is to value his wife as equal to him in grace. So, what this leadership over his wife and family means is that it is his God-given role to be the one that leads his wife and family toward God’s will for them no matter how challenging it might seem. When God instructs the husband to do something, (and He will as that is how He has ordained the family structure to be) he will do everything in his power to lead his family to and through whatever God calls them to, trusting and looking to God for guidance through it all. He is to strive to bring the best out of his wife and kids so they can give their best in the tasks God is calling them to do. God created the husband to be the strong physically of the two, and that also contribute to his role as leader and protector of the family. When the family is in danger, he is to put his life on the line to save them just as Christ did to save the Church.

The wife is to respond in submission to her husband by trusting His leadership and following Him wherever and into whatever God has called him to go and do. The only exception to this would be if the husband calls his wife and family to do something clearly unbiblical. In this case, however, the husband would be failing in his responsibility to look to God and follow His lead alone in all things. When this happens, the wife and family should challenge the husband to spend time in prayer and examine his heart as he is acting out of a selfish motive, not a God-given direction. When this Biblical model of marriage is fully lived out, it works perfectly as God designed. “One of the most important ways a Christian wife supports her husband is in the area of counsel. She seeks to grow in knowledge and wisdom in God’s Word as well as her callings in life, so she can give her husband the best possible guidance in all circumstances.” (Belief.net) This model also reflects church leadership and ultimately the relationship between God, Jesus, and man. (Ephesians 5:25-28; Ephesians 5:22-33) 

In all things both spouses need to show excellent communication and prudence. This requires spiritual maturity in both spouses. It is impossible to have complete intimacy with your spouse without great communication and wisdom. Every person is uniquely created by God. Everyone has different things that make them feel the most loved and appreciated. The only way you will fully understand what makes your spouse feel the most loved is by having regular deep conversations around this. Once, you understand this, you then have to use prudence on when to show that kind of love. For instance, if your spouse feels the most loved from physical touch, you should seek to show them that kind of love the most. However, if they have had a bad day and just want to be left alone to cool down for a minute, it would not be wise to try and show them physical love in that moment. This is why communication and prudence are so important in every facet of your marriage in getting to a place of complete intimacy. (Proverbs 24:3; James 1:19-20; Psalms 19:14; Proverbs 18:21)

In saying all of this, all these attributes are equally important. There are many that both spouses should learn to live out in their marriage. Living them out won’t always look the same for each spouse, but there is a place and time they will need to live the others out as well. However, God calls the husband and wife to particularly focus on the attributes listed in this Biblical model. When they do this and the foundation of the marriage is built on a relationship with Christ from both spouses, the marriage will have complete intimacy.